Avoidance

Other articles where Avoidance-avoidance conflict is discussed: conflict: two dangers or threats (avoidance-avoidance conflict) is usually more disturbing. A man may dislike his job intensely but fear the threat of unemployment if he quits. A conflict between a need and a fear may also be intense. A child may be dependent on his mother but fear her.

CloseThe Oregon DOJ/Consumer Protection site has been redesigned to offer a better user experience, while retaining theinformation and resources our visitors rely on.As with any transition, it may take a little extra time to find what you're looking for. For your convenience, here are links to some importantpages on the Consumer Protection section of the new website.If you have questions, please email. Foreclosure Avoidance Program Also seeOregon Foreclosure Avoidance (OFA) Program OverviewIn 2013, the Oregon legislature enacted (Oregon Laws 2013, chapter 304) to govern the operation of the Oregon Foreclosure Avoidance Program. The Oregon Department of Justice contracted to implement and coordinate the program. What does the program do?A trained and neutral mediator conducts a face-to-face meeting (referred to as a dispute resolution conference) between a homeowner and their lender with the goal of avoiding home foreclosure. Information for HomeownersIf you received a letter clearly marked “Notice of a Resolution Conference” from Mediation Case Manager be sure to respond by the deadline on that notice, pay the fee and meet with a housing counselor. Housing counseling services are free and can be found at.If you are not in foreclosure and have not received a letter clearly marked “Notice of a Resolution Conference” but would like a resolution conference with your lender, you must meet with a housing counselor who will help you request a resolution conference.

Visit to get this process started. Foreclosure Resources For Homeowners.

Low cost or free legal assistance for low-income homeowners and renters affected by foreclosure is available statewide. See or call toll free 1-855-412-8828 to find out more. Additional foreclosure prevention assistance is available at or by dialing 211 toll-free from any phone in Oregon. The provides mortgage payment assistance, loan preservation assistance, and principal reduction and lien extinguishment programs. More foreclosure resources for homeowners from theInformation for Beneficiaries, Lenders and ServicersOn or after August 4th, 2013 (Operative date for SB 558)Exemption requests on or after August 4th, 2013.

ByThe way that parents interact with their infant during the first few months of its life largely determines the type of attachment it will form with them. The relationship between the primary caregiver and the baby can create a secure, anxious, disorganized or avoidant attachment style that will form a blueprint for relationships throughout the baby’s life. When parents are sensitively attuned to their baby, a secure attachment is likely to develop. Being securely attached to a parent or primary caregiver bestows numerous benefits on children that usually last a lifetime. Securely attached children are better able to regulate their emotions, feel more confident in exploring their environment, and tend to be more empathic and caring than those who are insecurely attached.In contrast, when parents are largely mis-attuned, distant, or intrusive, they cause their children considerable distress. Children adapt to this rejecting environment by building defensive attachment strategies in an attempt to feel safe, to modulate or tone down intense emotional states, and to relieve frustration and pain.

They form one of three types of insecure attachment patterns to their parent, (an avoidant, ambivalent/anxious, or disorganized/fearful). In this article, we describe avoidant attachment patterns, which have been identified as representing approximately 30% of the general population. What is Avoidant Attachment?Parents of children with an avoidant attachment tend to be emotionally unavailable or unresponsive to them a good deal of the time. They disregard or ignore their children’s needs, and can be especially rejecting when their child is hurt or sick. These parents also discourage crying and encourage premature independence in their children.In response, the avoidant attached child learns early in life to suppress the natural desire to seek out a parent for comfort when frightened, distressed, or in pain. Attachment researcher describes how these children cope: “During many frustrating and painful interactions with rejecting attachment figures, they have learned that acknowledging and displaying distress leads to rejection or punishment.” By not crying or outwardly expressing their feelings, they are often able to partially gratify at least one of their attachment needs, that of remaining physically close to a parent.Children identified as having an avoidant attachment with a parent tend to disconnect from their bodily needs.

Some of these children learn to rely heavily on self-soothing, self-nurturing behaviors. They develop a pseudo-independent orientation to life and maintain the illusion that they can take complete care of themselves. As a result, they have little desire or motivation to seek out other people for help or support. What behaviors are associated with avoidant attachment in children?Even as toddlers, many avoidant children have already become self-contained, precocious “little adults.” As noted, the main defensive attachment strategy employed by children with avoidant attachment is to never show outwardly a desire for closeness, warmth, affection, or love. However, on a physiological level, when their heart rates and galvanic skin responses are measured during experimental separation experiences, they show as strong a reaction and as much as other children. Avoidantly attached children tend to seek proximity, trying to be near their attachment figure, while not directly interacting or relating to them.In one such experiment, the “Strange Situation” procedure, attachment theorist Mary Ainsworth, observed the responses of 1-year olds during separation and reunion experiences. The avoidant infants “avoided or actively resisted having contact with their mother” when their mother returned to the room.

According to Dan Siegel, when parents are distant or removed, even very young children “intuitively pick up the feeling that their parents have no intention of getting to know them, which leaves them with a deep sense of emptiness.”. How does an avoidant attachment develop in children?Why do some parents, who consciously want the best for their child, find it difficult to remain attuned or to be emotionally close to their children? Attachment have identified several reasons for parents’ difficulties in this area. Joyce Catlett, M.A., author and lecturer, has collaborated with Dr.

Robert Firestone in writing 12 books and numerous professional articles. Most recently, she co-authored (APA Books, 2005), (Springer Publishing, 2009) and (Karnac Books, 2009), with Robert Firestone PhD.

Catlett began her career in psychology in 1972, working with autistic children at the Camarillo State Hospital Children’s Treatment Center in Camarillo, CA. A founding member of Glendon Association, she has been a national lecturer and workshop facilitator in the areas of child abuse prevention and couple relations. With Glendon, she has co-produced 40 video documentaries on a wide range of mental health topics.

Catlett was also instrumental in the development and training of instructors in the Compassionate Child Rearing Education Program and in training mental health professionals in Voice Therapy Methodology. HeatherThey’re not the same thing. They’re confounding the two, which makes this article confusing. This article sounds like it’s describing people who have avoidant attachment, but not anxious-avoidant attachment.Avoidant attachment is “I’m better off alone period. I can satisfy my own needs better than anyone else can.”Anxious-avoidant attachment is “I want intimacy, but I’m afraid to get too close.” I think anxious-avoidant is also known as fearful-avoidant where as avoidant attachment is typically dismissive-avoidant.Anxious attachment is “I fall deep and want to merge completely with my partner, but I’m afraid I want more intimacy than my partner does.”Secure attachment is “I’m okay with intimacy, and I’m okay with being alone for a while too.”But I think people can have one attachment style, but still have a few traits of another attachment style.

People tend to fall on a spectrum and not inside clear cut categories. Joyce catlettI apologize for the deletion of my earlier reply to the first reader’s comment, which occurred because of a malfunction on our website last month. Dismissive/avoidant attachment is a descriptive term often applied to the way that individuals interact in their adult attachments or relationships. The term is used by a number of attachment researchers who explore adult romantic attachments, whereas the terms “anxious/avoidant attachment” and “avoidant attachment” are used by developmental psychologists to describe attachment patterns formed between parent and child.

You can find the work by adult attachment researchers by accessing the hyper-links embedded within the article.And you are right. Human beings cannot be adequately described by categories, and the descriptive categories introduced by Mary Ainsworth and Mary Main encompass a continuum of behaviors and traits. Mary Ainsworth also found that children often formed different attachment patterns with mother and father.

In addition, she often found two attachment patterns within one child, although one was usually more prominent than the other. “Fearful attachment” is a term used by some researchers to describe a disorganized attachment pattern. Our work is focused on exploring the psychodynamics underlying the attachment patterns and especially the cognitive processes that make up Internal Working Models rather than on the attachment categories themselves.

Thanks for all your comments and I especially liked your simple descriptions of the three patterns. MelissaI believe I have and anxious/avoidant attachment. In my case I tend to be instantly clingy and needy in relationships and then once the relationship is established I tend to start to distance myself. Which is opposite of what is conveyed in the above article. My mother was in the hospital for three months with post partum psychosis when I was six months old in 1968. I have no other information with regards to what happened or did not happen to me during the six months of my life prior to her hospital stay. I was cared for by my grandparent for the three months.

I do not suspect any physical harm and I am waiting for my childhood hospital records to confirm that. What I do suspect is a lack of response to me by my mother who was very depressed at that time. My mother passed in 1989 and never told me about this. I was later informed by my grandmother (not the one who cared for me) about her stay in hospital. I guess my question is what are the effects on children and adult children of mother’s who suffered from post partum psychosis and who it effected my attachment? Also was or would I have been affected again by the separation with my grandparents as caregivers once my mother was released?

Any further information regarding effects on post partum psychosis on children or anxious/avoidant attachment would be greatly appreciated. Joyce catlettYou really had a rough beginning in life!

But your pattern of responding to love is not that unusual. Many people who have been hurt that early in life feel “clingy” or desperate to find love in an attempt to make up for what was lacking in their childhood environment. The problem is that as soon as the relationship becomes meaningful to them, both emotionally and physically gratifying, they become afraid of losing their new love, of being thrust back into the same painful situation they faced as a child. They fear potential rejection and abandonment. And so to protect themselves, they unconsciously pull back or start withholding the very qualities in themselves that their partner especially loved. Robert Firestone and I have described this pattern in detail in the book Fear of Intimacy (1999).Children of depressed mothers, in particular, suffer from their mother’s inability to be attuned to them, to their feelings or their needs.

They lack a figure who will mirror their emotions back to them, someone who can help them learn how to regulate disturbing emotions, such as their fear, anxiety and anger, and help them build a “core self. You can find some more information on this topic in Daniel Stern’s book The Interpersonal World of the Infant (1985) and any of Ed Tronik’s studies about depressed mothers— for example, his “Still Face” experiments.

Buffy CoronadoI feel that most people including those that are emotional stable are often all, if not, many of these things dismissive, avoidant, fearful, anxious, etc. Hopefully NOT simultaneously and to varying degrees. I feel it is ALMOST next to impossible to pin-point where a person actually falls because emotionally unstable people don’t speak clearly and are usually very inconsistent. I feel that all of these attachment styles are one in the same, they all mesh and intertwine at some point.

My husband along with myself, based on the criteria qualifies in every attachment style. For example I can be very dismissive when he wants to “communicate” after coming out of one of his mood swings. We avoid each other when there is tension. Actually, I tend to avoid moody people in general.My husband can be avoidant wether it’s a bill, unpleasant situation, confrontation, life, etc.

I know A LOT of women who struggle with husbands who like to avoid things as much as possible, all of those men didn’t come from avoidant broken homes. My husband and I are both in our early 40’s, this is my second marriage and his first. I am a serial monogamist, he has a history of short-term relationships. Neither is “ideal”. I feel that a lot of people spend their life avoiding anything “unpleasant” this is why happiness is constantly being SOLD to us.

I think that life and the future make people fearful, anxious, avoidant, etc. Besides all of that when a relationship goes well everyone is on board.

It’s only when that relationship shifts or something happens people start to rethink their status. Due to technology and social media I think we should redefine attachment styles. Parenting was MUCH different than it is now.

Most kids come from two working parents who are constantly to busy. Over half of all married couples will divorce at some point and now kids now rely on social media, sports, etc to connect.

So in the future will these attachment labels be accurate. We are now connected to texts, imagery, false ideals (happiness, it’s NOT something you ATTAIN), expect to much, don’t give enough, are entitled, deserving, live on credit and borrowed time, etc. I fear and it seems that MOST people have become avoidant. Women don’t even need a man to have a baby anymore, men are becoming obsolete. BloomI’ll start by assuring you that this is in no way a personal attack, please don’t take it as such.

Part-time student, full-time Soul Reaper, Ichigo is one of the chosen few guardians of the afterlife.

I simply believe you’ve missed the bigger picture. There isn’t an illness in existence that has but one symptom which affects every individual in but one manner with but one outcome that’s resolved in but one case study. Ludicrous, right? Knowing no two minds are alike consider that, realistically, all mental illnesses begin with the same metanarrative.

Think expanding circles that co-mingle as you age starting in the center with 1.Chrono=you+ever-changing factors: age, sex, health, religious beliefs, stress, experiences etc. 2.Micro=(direct contact)family, playmates, schoolmates, peers, romantic partners, coworkers etc. 3.Meso=(partial contact)friends of family, friends of friends, friends of partner, neighbors, work acquaintances, child’s school etc. 4:Exo=(influential contact)child’s friends, child’s partner, declining health, social/mass media, politics, school related programs etc. 5:Macro=(basic norms-mental influence)society, law, history, culture, economic structure, gender role socialization and ideologies.

That’s an average, VERY simple and “easy” life; now add death, tragedy, stress, abuse, other stressors and realize that circle never stops growing, affecting, overlapping and changing you. The sheer volume of differentiating factors that affect just ONE individual is mind blowing. Genetic and environmental factors affect mental illnesses in the same manner, those illnesses are studied using the same micro-meso-exo-macro system, must be factored into a patient’s past, are just as unpredictable and just as unique as the individual suffering from them. The study wasn’t meant to pinpoint with precision, you stated that you’re aware that’s an impossible task, but research has to start somewhere. So yeah, some of the factors you mentioned do exist-for some. Yes, society is, has, and will always be changing-for everyone and it’s not ALL negative. Yes, comorbid mental illness is a reality that, again, affects every individual differently-some display one or more expected trait and some don’t.

I won’t get into the man/woman issue, it’s got nothing to do with mental illness. I do, however, hope you find the peace you seek and wish you the best. JIt seems really unfair to suggest that avoidant attachment can only be cured by a relationship or potential relationship. I’m a 31 year old woman and I have never once in my life been attracted to anybody (real or fictional, yes really) and I don’t find relationships appealing at all. My parents were wholly emotionally unavailable throughout my childhood and I spent much of that time and adulthood trying to make myself unnoticeable so that I wouldn’t be a target of the yelling and spanking. Am I doomed to be forever stuck with what’s essentially a form of Complex-PTSD because I’m asexual and don’t want to be put through sexual reorientation therapy? I’ve already been abused by men and women who thought that their own romantic/sexual feelings for me could fix me, which of course ultimately fixed nothing.

This feeling of soulessness and emptiness is so utterly despairing and I’m “lucky” to not have the constitution to physically act on said despair. JayHello – I deeply resonated on some level with your post and though I’ve never responded on websites, I feel called to, just by chance some things I’ve discovered may be of some use to you. I’ve been studying attachment theory for a while and am currently listening to interviews on the SoundsTrue.com psychotherapy 2.0 summit of some of the most thoughtful, impressive, compassionate people in this field (e.g. Diane Poole Heller, Daniel Siegel, Rick Hanson, Bonnie Badenoch, Stephen Porges, David Wallin, etc.)These are experts in various fields dealing with attachment, trauma, interpersonal neurobiology, etc. And most have written books; I find great comfort in listening/watching them, and further interviews/talks of theirs can be found free of charge through such sites as: ShrinkRapRadio.com, Insights at the Edge (also through soundstrue.com), the Greater Good Science Center, and NICABM.com (free of charge when broadcast).

As a student myself now and having had much experience with many different therapists, what I so appreciate in the above is the understanding and acknowledgment (see especially Heller, Badenoch, Wallin) that for a therapeutic attachment relationship to truly be healing, the therapist must acknowledge and actively heal her/his own attachment-related behavior/reactions and continuously attune/repair/attune/repair during the relationship with the client. (See also Stan Tatkin’s work – a couple’s therapist who essentially considers the heart of the (healthy) romantic relationship to be two people who effectively (enough!) assist each other in emotional regulation. I wholeheartedly personally agree attachment repair need NOT occur through a romantic connection. In fact, Diane Poole Heller discusses one client who found this repair primarily through a neighbor/friend.

It does take effort and it does take connection. Which is exactly what is so often difficult.

Best wishes – J. L BIn 39 years old. I have begun therapy with meds back in 2002 after getting out of Navy.The things I find out about myself throughout life especially in my 30s has been let’s say interesting.Culture has a huge impact.I’m FinnishOne parent mother. (father not in life at all due to schitzophrenia) I was raised by sick father until about 3 or 4. Can that have any impact on my coping? Memmories if any?

I have heard stories how he use to leave me and my sister alone outside in the winter in Conn. In our carriages because we cried One story I found out a few months ago. I don’t really have any emotions toward that idea Yet.Mother very distant. Loud,Finnish, grew up very jealous of siblings during ww2 in Finland.

Says sister and brother were always highly regaurded.,Multiple times during years 6-teens 18 possibly started to pack up literally in front of us saying she’s leaving as she cried telling how she can’t take it anymore. Oh god the memory. Lets move on.One parent mother Finnish born 42 3 sister 1 brother.Father schitzophrenic never ” knew him” “didn’t have father” FinnishI have twin sister 4 min older and 1 brother.We (well my sister and i) never went to doctors for anything. Anything.even possible broken bones from what I gather to this day.My bro did go maybe once or twice for a Deep cut.But she did make sure we went to dentist.

And if we had cavity we had to get filling drilling Without Novacain.She abandoned Finland where she raised us after leaving Sten (father) back in Florida when we were born. All my cousins and aunts and uncles left behind. No one to attach to in the states, except for a few Finnish friends of mom.

(interesting stories with attatchment there)Visited quite often growing up. Leaving Finland as a young girl after visiting 2 months with grandparents became unbearably difficult. I would sulk cry in their bathroom a few days before having to leave back to us.

Never let them see my fear or sadness.Anyway, if you want more knowledge and researchI have a lot to offer. Family dynamics with culture and upbringing gave me many memories of coping.

To this day I am very nieve about things, I got therapy because I was unable to cope with life and all the uncomfortable feelings.You can probably learn new things from my story. Because it involves my twin who apparently suffers very much also with personal identification and coping. Very black and white we are but I’m the more calm one. She’s very passive aggressive.

Not to say I’m not. I don’t know.Just get in touch. I am able to talk about Things that I started to question. Being almost 40 I feel like i have the mind of a 10 year old. L BI have dx of a few disordersone is BPD.

Also I have the common other ones.Never been married or had kids.I really haven’t been able to grow up per say to even fathom kids.Multiple long time relationships.My life revolves around making sure I don’t get abandoned by partner. Do I really know who I am? No, I know I don’t.Life has settled after sobering up and started suboxone. The Only med that has given me my sanity back and life worth living “feeling”.Nothing really worked Until I found this med for obviously a dependent for medication. I’m sober now, for about a year. No alcohol or rx meds.

I’m a Registered Nurse. Currently disabled by 2 different institutions.I do know there are trials regarding using the med subox on individuals who dont benefit from the mainstream psych meds. It has saved my life. Not just addiction but I am able to withstand living another day in my body and mind.

I plan to stay on it for the rest of my life. There’s no way I’m going back to the state I was a year ago. MaggieI am an international adoptee (from Russia to United States).

I was adopted when i was roughly 2.5 years old, from an orphanage. I know nothing about my birth mother or father except that my birthmother was 24 when she had me. And she gave up her parental rights 2 days after my birth.I am 20 years old & I have found myself physically, mentally, and sexually drawn to females who are older and/or possess maternal characteristics.

Yes, I identify as lesbian but can’t help thinking my past (adoption) could play a possible role in my sexuallity. Specifically, my preference of attractiveness. I am curious about this seemly deep, unavoidable attraction to any female who shows maternal affection towards me. I feel a giddy, but safe connection.

But the irony of it all is that after a while, I become obsessive with either wanting to just be in their presence or the exact opposite: not wanting anything to do with them. Is it a matter of nature vs. Does self esteem play any role? Is this common? Is this common in anxious-avoiding attachment symptoms?Thoughts?Thank you for your time and i look forward to your reply!-Maggie. JulieI have a hard time distinguishing which I am more of- avoidant or anxious.

It seems I am about 90% Anxious in romantic relationships, but Avoidant in day-to-day interactions and with acquaintances, although I do have severe social anxiety, so that may be where the avoidance is coming from. With social anxiety, it is hard for me to tell.

For instance, with my acquaintances I don’t display my feelings, I am not open, if I am asked out to coffee, I will take several minutes to think about it first, often to others’ dismay; because I worry that if i don’t like the experience, i won’t be able to leave. I seem to ‘steer clear of emotional closeness’ with acquaintances. I seem to push down or repress all of my social needs. And when people talk to me, it feels like they are talking too much.

But that is not how I act in a intimate relationship. In an intimate relationship, I am completely the opposite. SamCMy avoidant attachment spilled over into my sex life. Since I started having sex as a teenager I found myself suffering from sexual dysfunctions any time a relationship with a woman would start getting serious. As long as I could keep the partner at arms length as far as emotional intimacy was concerned (ie: limiting myself to one night stands, paid sex) my sexual functioning was fine.

For many years I had no idea what the problem was. I actually thought I was simply easily bored sexually. Despite dating dozens of women between the ages of 15 and 35 (when I finally got married) I had never fallen in love and ended up marrying for reasons other than that. Stuck in a one partner relationship my sex life basically stopped as I couldn’t function with my wife.

I didn’t know this was being caused by avoidant attachment until I started seeing a psychiatrist. Although I finally got a plausible explanation of the problem he wasn’t able to help me with my sexual dysfunctions and my marriage has been sexless for many years. SimstarThere’s more to all this than what psychology can help us with. Much of what we are all going through is to push us into the next level of experience.I was very dismissive as a child because of seriously neglectful parents (mum may have been borderline narcissistic). I met my now husband who was very secure. He allowed me to reach out or pull back as I wished. He was simply available to me.

Everyone loves his easy going attitude. It’s been 26 years and now I’m the secure one. It took me that long but I’m a very VERY slow learner. I’ve gone from thinking I’m better than everyone (self defence mechanism) and not engaging with anyone because they weren’t worth it (possibly didn’t think relationships were worth it because of my childhood) to becoming someone who absolutely loves others, loves being involved, around others, helping others, laughing and engaging in deep conversations with others. I’ve even occasionally tipped over into an authentic extrovert when I feel like having just pure physical fun (non sexual). I genuinely love other humans!If that appeals to you, here’s your next step, allow the easy going, responsible, kind, agreeable person into your life, they will teach you and heal you.

The ambitious, overly motivated and sexy person who has way too many options is not the person for you just yet. MLTIs there any way I could somehow gain some more advice and detail from you? I’m suffering in a 3.5 yr relationship with my SO who is this article personified, and you and your partner made it. I’m in desperate need of help from a resource other than counseling (didn’t do much – so depressing), and given that your partner coped and you were both able to overcome what I imagine to be a lot of walls and strenuous times, it would be so helpful to me to get details of how he went about it all. I’m pretty much crumbling inward and outwardly at this point and there is so much slipping from me.Would greatly appreciate your help. AnnaHello I have a 5 year old daughter who i adopted when she was 20 months.

She was removed from birth but went to a mother and baby foster placement. The birth mother left after 6 months and my daughter remained at the foster home until we adopted her. I believe she was neglected at the foster home. She ticks so many of the Avoidance Attachment symptoms. Are there any books i could read to help me parent her correctly which is beneficial to her and my husband & I?

As i cant seem to find any for this particular attachment disorder. Any advice grateful! HawleyI’ve taken Dr. Siegel’s “Making Sense of Your Life” course.

The truth is, prior to taking the course I’d read enough stuff online to understand that I am deeply avoidant, and why. My mother learned to parent from her cold German parents.

I had a girlfriend once 30, years ago. She was someone who expressed interest in me after she had dated multiple other people at the office. I never dated in high school, I’ve never dated or been involved since that once instance in the 1980’s. I don’t have any friends, but lots of acquaintences. I’m 60 years old and I struggle to see the advantage in changing. I don’t see what I gain.

Bad Piggies Author: Rovio - 391,850 plays. This update for Bad Piggies brings a lot of novelties in terms of constructions possibilities for the vehicles. In the 24 new levels you can test your creativity and build zany machines to transport the bad piggies. Bad Piggies 2018 offers 3 game mode: Ground Hot Day in which you build a cart, When Pigs Fly in which you attach a balloon to fly, and Flight in The Night in which you build motor powered cart. The goal is the same: in each level you need to reach the destination, and preferably hit star boxes to earn more stars. Have fun crafting the best ride! Bad piggies hacked.

I just want to live out what’s left of my life and not be a bother to anyone. Caroline HartThank you.

Everyone for opening your hearts and speaking so honestly in this public forum. I am deeply in love with an avoidant man and was myself an anxious attacher (incorrect def)!

I have earned secure attachment from my relationship with him due endless hours of research into attachment disorders resulting in a deep understanding of both our behaviours. I’m currently on an alternative route (to focus on my self-care, family and career) however am so extremely grateful to him because without this experience I would not have been able to discover these traits I possess myself. Love comes in all forms I hope that over time he will let me in but if he doesn’t then I will always be grateful for the experience and hold a special place for him in my heart forever.

Much, much love to everyone in their journey I truly mean it. RichI am very intrigued by the information in this article. I have studied attachment a bit, and haven’t seen the distinction between infant and adult. It has always been presented as a continuum.For as far back as I can remember, I never felt any love from my father.

My mother was at times gushing, which because of prompting from my father, led me to totally discount her. And her love was totally conditional, which made it easy for me to discount. Any mistake or annoyance I caused would be met with a total withdrawal of love and affection. Both of my parents gave me the constant overall feeling that I was an unwanted burden.Now, I am introverted and shy. I’ve been told by counselors that I have a lead blanket I pull over myself when irrational emotions are directed towards me.

Attachment tests I’ve taken show me right near the middle on self worth and relatively high on attachment needs. This makes sense, but I’ve never understood the lead blanket portion.

It’s like I place a large emotional attachment on my significant other, and withdraw and protect myself from the rest of the world. What would you call that? Is that typical of anxious attachment? AutumnHi so i have a hard time trusting other people on if their emotion are truly real and i can never rely come to love. I am 19 now and cant handle clinging relationship like me and my closest guy friend were intimate but when he told me he loved me i cut off contact and it stressed me out. My mother has associative identity disorder and in fact i dont remember most of my past until 12 rely.

I zone out a lot too and i cant control that well. Its really hard for me to rely on others and to trust others.

Rely most time i dont even know what i am feeling like im a alive but i feel numb. I too an online test and it said 100 out of 100 on avoidant attachment type. SBI remember as early as age 7, and throughout my life, I would wonder if my mother actually loved me.

I also remember every time some other adult would fail to see that poor attachment (something I had no words for at that age) because my mom was so good as presenting as the perfect mother. In reality she is highly narcissistic, abusive and self-absorbed person who has never shown genuine affection and who was raised by someone just like her. When I started learning about this trauma and attachment stuff (as an adult) and began to process the abuse I finally realized what a huge impact the attachment issue has really had on my entire life. I (an avoidant attachment type) married a man with huge abandonment issues because his mother left the family when he was a child.

His clinginess (and attachment issues) and my avoidance was like one of those Chinese finger puzzles where the harder you pull, the more stuck you are in the puzzle. It took me 8 years to finally get free of himand he was someone who never purposely mistreated me. To this day I have been unable and unwilling to tell my parents the true reason we divorced because it would involve discussing all this attachment stuff with the very person who instilled it in me. I learned the hard way that she is not a trustworthy source of love or support and I will never ever have that discussion with her, no matter how much therapy. I would rather tell her I had an affair even if that’s not true. I’ve also never been able to tell my parents why I chose not to have children; which is because I really don’t feel like I’d know what to do with them and would probably damage them in the same way I was damaged.

(Don’t worry; I’m entirely good with not having them!)That said, one of the biggest things I wrestle with now is how I view myself, as an avoidant attachment individual. On good days, I feel like a queen; like I am strong and independent, taking a lover if it pleases me (I am not promiscuous, however), being in charge of everything in my life. I own my home, I have a job I am passionate about, I am intelligent, successful and educated. I enjoy introvert-type activities, so not having close friends or not going out a lot often doesn’t bother me. On bad days I wonder if I will ever know how to love someone properly and if I will ever have any true friends or if there is anyone out there who really cares about me besides my therapist, who is paid to do so.

Or, whether I really even care if I ever get that close to anyone.I write short stories based on my dreams, which always involve a character who has no attachments whatsoever except for her dog (who in real life is for sure my most secure attachment), and has no dependence on anyone or anything, who wanders the woods and countryside happily and with great spirituality, all the more so because there are no people in her life. She doesn’t need money or transportation (she does have a horse sometimes, though) and mostly there is no mention even of food or water or shelter. When she does take shelter, it is temporary, a rented room or sleeping under a tree. Occasionally she has contact with people, but not for long as she tires of them quickly. Writing these stories has been very therapeutic for me because I can make this character into some kind of ideal (albeit one that is impossible in real life) and therefore accept that if she can be at peace with her lack of attachment then so can I (eventually).

It holds me over while I work on my real life attachment issues, validating them while also allowing me to process them. And honestly I enjoy indulging the fantasy of not needing anyone or anything. In real life that is what I struggle with, though. How to let myself need people, love people etc. DjI pasted a quote below from this article. What does this mean exactly?

That this is a generational problem and if parents don’t get their attachment issues worked out that it will affect their children? Thank you.“According to Dr. Dan Siegel, attachment research demonstrates that “the best predictor of a child’s security of attachment is not what happened to his parents as children, but rather how his parents made sense of those childhood experiences.” The key to “making sense” of your life experiences is to write a coherent narrative, which helps you understand how your childhood experiences are still affecting you in your life today. Sheena flanaganMy husband left me for a younger woman after 40 years, who is very affectionate towards him. I have recently realised that I pushed him away because I have avoidant attachment.

My mother was always busy caring for her parents and brothers, rather than spend time with me, even though she was a lovely person. I nearly repeated that behaviour with my children, because of a busy career. I am changing that with them now I have retired, and try to show them affection. It is probably too late for me to find a new partner, and I feel that I caused a self fulfilling prophecy, even though I loved my ex. I have been broken by his leaving, but true to style, I have put a wall around myself, become self sufficient, and spend a lot of time alone.

J Smith“You don’t need anyone.”“Don’t get too involved. You’ll just be disappointed.”“Men won’t commit to a relationship.”“Women will try to trap you.”“Why does he/she demand so much from you?”“You’ve got to put up with a lot to stay involved with a man/woman.”“There are other, more important things in life than romance.”“You’ve got to protect yourself. You’re going to get hurt in this relationship.”“You’re too good for him/her.”Seems like yet again, realism is being classified as a disorder. What modern ideologies are we supposed to buy into, in order to avoid this stigma, and how much should we suffer?That being said, I see reflections of my relationship with my own father in a lot of this.